So, it's the early hours of Saturday morning. 12.09 a.m in fact, as I begin writing this, and I've been hit with the dreaded insomnia bug again. It's a full moon (a blue moon actually - the second full moon of the calendar month, which isn't actually as rare as you'd think. There's at least one blue moon per year, as there are 13 full moons in any 12 month cycle.) and I've spent the last hour looking through Facebook posts and playing games, when I'd rather be a) sleeping or b) sitting out in the garden watching the moon travel across the sky.
What to do then? I wondered. And then a thought came to me. I'd write a blog post. But what about?
I was talking to someone earlier in a fibro support group that I belong to on Facebook, and a question had been asked about changing tastes. Did some foods and drinks that we used to enjoy taste different, even to the point of now being repulsive? The chat diverged from the original topic, as it is wont to do on occasion, and we started to talk about our musical tastes, and how we could not listen to certain music any more, because it was too loud, or to bassy, or to shouty.
I have pretty eclectic musical tastes. They run the gamut from Classical, through Jive, Punk, Rock, Metal, Jungle, Electro-pop, Garage, D&B, New Age, Folk.... you get the picture. Pretty much anything apart from Pop and C&W. And yes, I've noticed that my Mike Oldfield albums (easy listening for the most part, with some electro-funk, folk and Gospel scattered among it) get put on much more often than my Scooter and Iron Maiden albums do.
That led me to think about what else in my life fibro has come to affect - without me even stopping to notice it. I prefer my clothes looser. (It stops that constricted feeling, especially on my legs). I prefer a lighter duvet, even if that means I feel chilly in the night. (The weight of even a 13.5 tog is too heavy, and hurts.) I sleep with my hands cradled into my chest. (As if protecting them, but they still ache like a bastard in the morning.) There are many more, but you don't really want me to tell you about them all, right?
No - before you say it - this is not a self pitying post. I don't want sympathy - sympathy doesn't stop the pain, or get me to sleep when the insomnia bug strikes, and it actually leaves me feeling guilty. There are plenty of people on the surface of this planet that have it much, MUCH worse than I do, and who deserve sympathy more than I ever will. But it was interesting to look at the changes that have occurred in my life over the last 5 - 6 years, and see how this illness has touched different areas, and made me change - and in some ways, that change has actually been positive. I've started really looking after myself in the last year or so - losing weight, getting as much physical exercise as I can.
But it does get me down too. Not being able to plan days out with the kids just in case mummy is in too much pain by the time that trip out comes around. Knowing that there are certain chores that need to be done, but doing the basics uses up all of my spoons for the day. (For a really good explanation of 'The Spoon Theory', click here.) Then there's the general depressive feeling that comes with just feeling so rotten all of the time - it's like the longest, most drawn out convalescence you could possibly imagine. And the constant pill popping - pain relief, anti-inflammatory meds, food supplements (I'm vit D deprived, apparently), sleeping tablets...... also the constant doctor and hospital visits for scans, blood tests, consultants appointments.......
Yeah. No self pity here. Well, maybe a bit. But it is now 12.44 a.m on a Saturday morning...... *winks*.....
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